2010 marked the 115th season in the storied history of Big Ten Conference football, which, contrary to the rumors, was not founded by Joe Paterno.
Before the first game was played, it had already been decided by the powers that be that the math-challenged conference would no longer tolerate being laughed at for having 11 members in the “Big 10," and will therefore add the Nebraska Cornhuskers to the conference in 2011 to make it an even 10 members.
With the new member, the 10 members of the Big 10 would now be segregated into two divisions of six members each, with one division primarily made up of teams in the “West” and the other consisting mostly of teams in the “East.”
Naturally, a conference built on its traditional, no-nonsense approach then named each division the “Leaders” and “Legends.”
Lost in all the pageantry and no-nonsense tradition was the secret of the origin of the monikers for the new “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. Legend has it, after months of diligent research, the Big 10 kiss-ass marketing firm said, “Hey, Commissioner Jim Delany, we have lots of really really great ideas, but we’re really, really interested in what you think.”
To which a more-than-flattered Commissioner Jim Delany replied, “I don’t know, this conference has had so many leaders and legends, it’s hard to decide. Hey wait! That’s it!! Leaders and Legends!!!”
To which the one marketing guy winked at the senior partner and said in particularly garish fashion, “That’s exactly what we were thinking. We’re all on the same page, Jimbo! Wow!!!”
After the obligatory five rounds of back slapping and winking, the announcement was made and in relatively short order and the first 50 media guides were ordered. Shortly thereafter, the entire sports media and national fanbase responded to the news with the singular phrase, “What stupid clown thought up these dumbass names?”
In a novel approach, the marketing firm immediately explained to Delany that they always take an extremely expensive Marketing Poll after the names are announced and the 2011 media guides had already been printed to confirm their group creative process.
So the poll went out to America and the Republic of Siam, where Delaney has a half-cousin:
Do you like Legends and Leaders as names for the new Big 10 divisions?
- Like
- Don’t Care
- Dislike
The marketing poll received a huge response from across the country, with 22 people submitting “Like," 35,054 submitting “Don’t Care” together with a note…”What’s a division?”, and only two people submitting a vote of “Dislike." There was a strong write-in vote of 44,659,832 people that wrote, “What stupid clown thought up these dumbass names?”
Commissioner Delany, his mother and the 20 guys at the marketing firm were shocked at the results.
As everything was already at the printers, Delany saved face and his $350 deposit by saying these were just “pretend names” and that the real names will be picked at a later date. For the sake of a great conference, let’s all hope it happens as soon as the new media guides can be printed.
So while we’re waiting, I thought we might want to go ahead and announce the results for the 2011 season for each division so that they can get the printing out of the way and move on to some tradition rich names like “West” and “East.”
To determine the 2011 results, rather than just pick something out of my butt Delany-style, I actually looked into silly things like how each team did last year, what personnel each team has coming back, what coaching changes a team is going through, scheduling issues and intangibles, like five-game suspensions or what pretty colors a team wears.
Using standard regression methods, two cases of Guinness and what was left of my Jack Daniels after mom broke into the liquor cabinet again, I have come up with a ridiculously early, yet meticulously detailed prediction of the exact final standings for the dumbass Legends and Leaders divisions for 2011.
I am sure everyone will agree.
Aki Ross Ashley Tappin Carmen Electra Amanda Marcum Leila Arcieri
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