Filed under: Humor, Videos, Music, Movies, Exclusives
Last week, we introduced you to Northwestern student Chet Haze, aka Chet Hanks, aka son of Tom Hanks, after he released the rap song 'White and Purple,' his flip of Wiz Khalifa's 'Black and Yellow' that went on every hip-hop, film and video site.But it got us wondering: what if Chet got into a fight with his pops? Would he scream or throw punches? I'm guessing he'd throw out his "Turner & Hooch" DVD in disgust and take out his frustrations in the studio.
Since we can't afford his going rate, I took it upon myself to record 'Hanks For Nothing,' the ultimate Tom Hanks diss track incorporating every theatrical release the actor's been in (36 movies if you're counting). Watch out, Willow Smith.
'Hanks for Nothing' - The Tom Hanks Diss Track
Lyrics
So I'ma go and make a Big Splash, dad, Catch Me If You CanThis ain't no Toy Story, pops, watch ya son become a man
And now the other Hanks is gunnin' for the throne
Volunteers'll hear my rhymes and say they in A League of Their Own
So from here to Philadelphia, no wack MC can battle
They're my cattle
When I'm leaving cats all Sleepless in Seattle
You a has-been, dad, just waitin for ya to retire
And watch DJs turn this track into a dope Radio Flyer
Yeah, it's obvious that you is just a chump
You hump
I run this game cross-country, call me hip-hop's Forrest Gump.
Your whole career's a Punchline, I don't need Da Vinci Code
To decipher that Joe Versus the Volcano friggin' blowed
And while I'm with my frat boys on the quest for some cooch
You memorizing all the garbage scenes from Turner and Hooch
Yeah, I roll with The Ladykillers who down Cuervo and Bacardi
Higher than Apollo 13, it's a nonstop Bachelor Party
Chet Haze is always bombin', stomach fillin' up on Ramen,
Besides living in The 'Burbs, you and me got Nothing in Common
On the outside, you beamin'
On the inside, I'm screamin'
You need to walk The Green Mile to see Angels & Demons
You just a maggot
My lyrics you can't even handle these
Bombin more than Dragnet or Bonfire of the Vanities
You've Got Mail: A letter from your son who finished cryin'
When his dad abandoned him and started Saving Private Ryan
It's on, pops
Ain't gonna stop until you're Terminal
Like The Polar Express, your life's a mess and indiscernible
Chet Haze comin' at ya, I thought y'all knew
Spyin on emcees like that Man with One Red Shoe
Yeah, you did a baseball movie, but hip-hop's my only pastime
Every Time We Say Goodbye I'm hoping it's the last time
Your life's a Money Pit, Maybe it's time to refurnish
Our battle making Charlie Wilson's War look like a minor skirmish
Now I'm stuck in Evanston, writin' rhymes that's crazy phat
And no one saw The Great Buck Howard, your other son couldn't save that
Yeah, I chopped it up with Colin
He Knows You're Alone
Tell everybody 'bout That Thing You Do when we were at home
You make me pay my own tuition? They should put you away
Get on the Road to Perdition so your ass is Cast Away
(The Real) Chet Haze - 'White and Purple'
- previously:// Rapper Chet Haze Is Tom Hanks' Son
- related:// Tom Hanks Dr. Dre Mash-up
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