Red Sox Aces: Dealing from the Bottom of the Boston Deck?

We have heard the term "ace" applied to any number of pitchers on the Boston Red Sox staff.  We are not quite sure what an ace is, exactly.

So we did what a self-respecting citizen of the 21st century does when he needs information fast: We Googled it from the great oracle of the Internet.

According to the ultimate source of urban legend, Wikipedia said:

“In baseball, an ace is the best starting pitcher of any team and nearly always the first pitcher in his starting rotation. Barring injury or exceptional circumstances, an ace usually always starts on Opening Day. In addition, aces are usually preferred to start crucial playoff games, sometimes on three days rest.”

This season, Jon Lester does indeed qualify as the ace of the staff based on his popularity, his performance last season and the adversity in life he has overcome.

Being an ace no longer means winning 20 games. It no longer means going out and beating the big teams in the big games.  It no longer refers to the pitcher that won a Cy Young trophy or even had a winning Lotto ticket.

Let’s face it, like everything else of value in modern America, the term suffers from inflation. It’s really only worth about a six of spades. Forget the ace of diamonds in baseball. The only diamonds that count now are on World Series rings.

In years past, various Red Sox staff members were dubbed aces—notably Josh Beckett, who has regained his form and is no longer pitching like jack of clubs.  His salary alone should provide him the title of “ace.”

Roger Clemens used to be a Red Sox ace but is now just another deuce bag.

We are beginning to evaluate the Sox pitching staff like the George W. Bush White House staff, assigning ranks to the most wanted and least wanted criminals in Iraq. Then, we hang them with the title of “ace.”

So, does this make the other pitchers comparable members of the deck of cards in the house of Fenway? 

We can no doubt settle on Dice-K as the joker.

John Lackey may well be among the top four aces, but only in terms of overpaid contracts.

Clay Buchholz must qualify as a king of hearts, a potential ace who could reach the plateau in Boston next year.

So far, we have been unable to designate the queen of anything on the Sox staff, which may be a godsend. 

The only way to settle this is to put the term “ace” into the player’s contract. It should be an exclusive title, earned by the hard work of lawyers and agents, bestowed like the Scarlet Letter during an ESPN special broadcast.

Brittany Daniel Kate Moss Zhang Ziyi Nikki Reed Natasha Bedingfield