Sports websites are awash with trade rumors for the Boston Red Sox, as though something could be wrong with the Olde Towne Bean team.
With many top-notch athletes soon to be available because of the NFL labor troubles, the Red Sox and aging boy wonder Theo Epstein may want to look for a flea market deal with players soon to be collecting unemployment checks.
With the looming NFL lockout, professional athletes need to maintain their cost of living with a paycheck. That means, the Red Sox may be able to make a few free agent signings with the New England Patriots. An outright trade would be even better.
At the least, it could be time to pick up, as Danny Ainge would say, the best athlete for the buck.
Always in the market for a shortstop, the Patriots can offer Theo Epstein many short players who seldom are stopped. Danny Woodhead and Wes Welker are among the signings Theo should consider. After all, he has gone through every other professional athlete, signing most for millions to no avail. It’s time to look at reliable short men right here in New England.
Catching has also been controversial this season for the Red Sox, but a few natural squatters will soon be looking for an opportunity to perform as a backstop. Who else would serve a better catcher than Vince Wilfork? There is no way any ball will pass him, and we defy any baseball player to try to score from third on a fly ball with Vince standing there.
Pitching is a problem. We propose that the Red Sox trade Dice-K for Logan Mankins. The money may not equal out, and Belichick would have a quarterback who can throw the football in a gyro motion that will have defending teams utterly confused. We also suspect that Belichick would enjoy having a cryptic and anti-social player on his team.
The best trade of all would be Jonathan Papelbon for Tom Brady. Not only would this bring a crowd-pleasure to the Red Sox, Brady’s Yankee baseball cap would guarantee that the Bronx team would be utterly confused by the strategy of a Boston player wearing the enemy’s headgear.
We think these deals would end the labor problem for the Patriots and the NFL and guarantee the Red Sox sell-outs at Fenway for the foreseeable future. And, this speculation is not nearly as ridiculous as some other suggestions.
Sofía Vergara Nicole Richie Norah Jones Nicky Hilton Garcelle Beauvais
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